07/02/2026
Sleep is extra hard these days
I watch the clock hit 2am
Static energy is constant in my body
I can't release it
Nothing works
I'm up by 6am
My anxiety is starting to build
Nights are getting louder…
6/27/2026
I haven’t thought about it in a long time
The years, space, had allowed me to push it far back
It began with the sight of the blue-lit room
The quality of the clarity in the room was dependent on the TV
I’ve only just entered the front door
I’m standing in the living room
Everyone is big
My tummy hurts really bad…
For weeks this clip plays over and over
The nausea makes me shut it down immediately
It’s familiar enough for me to know not to go to far
As the days go on, smells are added to the clip
Sounds
The hand on my shoulder…
It’s a gathering, a party
I’ve been to several, more than several…
He guides me to a room
There are 3 boys playing video games in another vaguely lit room
One gets up from the floor
The next from the bed
I’m thrown onto the bed with the other
I hear the door click… doors doors
The fucking doors
We are alone
I’m staring at the floor
My vision is blurry
Then goes black
I can sense him next to me
It takes him a moment
But he eventually begins
The rest is hard to say, to type…
I remember the texture of the wall…
I dig my nails into it…
The chalk gathers under my nails
The door clicks again
… 3 more come in
I fight, but I’m held down
I beg, oh do I beg… please
They’re heavy
I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe!
They share me
Ripping me apart… in body and soul
I remember the taste
I remember their sweat
Their sounds
I remember the yelling and laughing
I didn’t want to remember these….
My throat is sore
My body is heavy
It hurts to move my arms and legs
My head hurts
My eyes burn
My chest is tight
I’m nauseous and my stomach is cramping
My body won’t let me forget
It’s calling back memories I’ve worked so hard to let go…
I’m scared I’ll fall back into something I won’t be able to survive…
6/9/2026
(EMDR)
I'm feeling numb at this point
My body is fuzzy
My lips, my mouth are like black holes
There's nothing there
Then the sounds starts
It startles me at first
Felt like a vibration
Pulling my back into my body a bit
Back and forth the ball goes
In sync with the noise
My stomach hurts
Hurts so bad I instinctively grab it
My body takes me back...
I'm on his lap
I feel it all go in and out
From all black to images
Clips
Strong feelings
It's like I'm blinking as my brain tries to show me
Remind me...
God, I hated wearing dresses and shorts...
My chest is so tight
I think I'm going to puke
I can't...
She pauses me to breathe
My stomach is cramping so bad
She has me refocus
I take another breath and watch the ball
Instantly the pain between my legs starts
My whole body feels tense
I don't want to open my eyes
I feel his hands
I command myself to let myself see
Instantly it clicks
The dissociation... the numbing of my mouth
It was survival...
———-
The next thing I remember is her repeatedly telling I'm safe
She has me think of the place I feel the safest...
She continues to prompt me to breathe
I'm finding it hard to breathe
I'm scared I can't remember what just happened
She tells me I shut down, froze
Stopped breathing, then had a panic attack
I get hit with the last image
My heart rate increases some more
"I remember why I stopped feeling my mouth....", I say
I just cry....
6/6/2026
(Dream)
There was a restaurant behind work building
My friend *** was there and ******
As *** and I were leaving I get a text from .... he says he wants to talk
I show *** my phone
She moves her glance away quickly
Says, "ima pretend I don’t know about that”
"What?.... have you been hanging out with him?", I say
She says, "yes"
The room temperature quickly changes
I’m suddenly aware of every minor sound
The lights are beyond bright
I quickly move to leave
I arrive outside
He is standing there waiting
He tracked her location
The panic attack hits
I awake
5/28/2026
(Dream)
I’m saying bye to each grandparent, one by one at Juanita’s house
They’re all asleep...
**** grabbed my grandpa to cross street. So suddenly he is up. They're walking right in front of me
I admire the sight of my baby as always
**** slips out of his hand and running into a bus
He is hit by the bus
Just before he could grab him
Immediately I'm lost
I'm confused
Who is this? Is my baby **** or not
Not him
But the pain is immense
The pain is about him
The agony never ends
I fall to the floor
I think there was 3 or 4 unfinished canvas
I'm looking at them on the floor like puzzle pieces
I begin to put them them together
5/12/2026
There has been this subtle sensation in my chest for the last few months
I became aware of it after my grandmother’s heart attack
I’m not sure if it’s related…
I also started EMDR again
It’s been progressing more in the last few months
I thought maybe something was lodged in my esophagus…. maybe a twitch
Maybe I was swallowing weird
I don’t feel it when I’m anxious
There isn’t really anything significant going on when it happens
The frequency is increasing
It’s become a constant fluttering in my chest
It’s starting to feel like there are flower petals or a butterfly trapped in my chest
On the nights the moon keeps me company…
4/24/2026
(Dream)
Parent’s house
Mom has all the rooms, owns them
I tried to pick one but she kept coming in
Kept getting angry I was bothering her
Told me I could leave if I didn't like it.
I ripped a door off hinged and walked out
Dad from couch tried to call me back but I kept leaving
Mom came out to lawn and tried to get me to come back too
But she has the usual look, she doesn’t look at me
And I know she is holding back so she can beat me
I said "no"
Woke up-Chest tight
4/21/2026
I was in the middle of listing off my tasks of the day on my post-it
The words became fuzzy
Takes a moment, but I realize I’m crying
Then I’m sobbing
There is this overwhelming warm wave over my body
It starts from the top of my head all the way down to my toes
Every.single.muscle.releases
I’m drained…
Every cell in my body is exhausted
I’m so fatigued
I feel exposed
Similar to when I got my cast removed from my leg
I was so use to what was there
I wasn’t aware of the muscle atrophy or the grey…flakiness skin…
She gave me this final puzzle piece
It was like someone giving me credit for sucking it up
For figuring it out all on my own
And it gave my body permission to release…
I had the answer
And I had a witness…
4/15/2026
(Dream)
I’ve been on the run from the cops for a long time. It feels like this has been going on forever.
Somehow it’s tied to my OCD and this feeling of being out of control.
I’m arrested over and over but somehow escape.
I meet up with my cousin, and I break back into the place we were at before.
I wrap things up quickly and leave again. Now everyone is looking for me (family too).
Even my bad cousin is involved...I’m being hunted
His sister sees me, but instead of turning me in, she warns me that they’re coming.
I try to run, but I get caught and arrested again.
This time, xxxx is there, and so are my parents.
I’m crying and telling them I’m innocent, but it feels like they’ve already abandoned me.
xxxx is the only one who doesn’t.
That same familiar feeling comes back
Out loud, I announce it. “I want to die”… but I feel bad.
Because I know xxxx is there.
I tell one of the officers to get him out of there.
Then I’m being put into a police car.
I grab the holster.
I wake up right at the click…
4/8/2026
(Dream)
I’m screaming
My heads heavy…. Its rattling
I rush to the restroom
I switch the light on
Movement across my chest catches my eye
My heart beat is in my ear
The hissing glides over my scalp
Just before my eyes meet my reflection
The realization of what I am causes agony in my bones
I awake
Crying, terrified, and sweaty
2/2/2026
The details of this one were hard to keep
(Dream)
I’m in my office
Someone else is standing there watching as a search my desk drawer for something
I pull out the stuffed fox
It's not mine though
It seems this is what I'm looking for
I stop searching and say something to the person in the room
When I look back down I notice hundreds of black bugs just underneath the knit suit
The back of the fox’s head is covered as they move quickly underneath the surface
This scared me and I toss the fox
I awake
1/26/2026
Art came back into my life early 2022.
Prior to that, the last time I picked up a paintbrush, or even used a pencil for expression was over a decade before.
As a little girl, I did not like dolls or barbies.
I couldn't care less about makeup or dress up costumes.
I lived for the smell of a fresh box of 8 crayons.
Oh, how I was jealous of the kids that got the box of 64 crayons.
You know the one, the one that included a sharpener.
I jumped at the chance to engage with anything crafty or artistic.
I loved teachers that would incorporate art into assignments.
In high school I met an art teacher who gave me unlimited access to her studio.
This was the first time I was exposed to so much more beyond crayons, pencils, and 99 cent store paint.
I ended up committing to 2 years of classes with her- I never ditched her class.
I have destroyed or tossed out most of the things I have made over the years.
I have been fighting this same persistent urge for the last four years.
I don't want another ten years to go by only for me to wonder where all my symbols have gone.
Not everything I make is aesthetically pleasing.
And sometimes it doesn't even make sense to me.
But I wonder if future me might be able to make sense of the hieroglyphics, I create today.
Or perhaps maybe the meaning I make of them will only gain more depth with time.
I spent years thoughtfully contemplating the art I permanently inked into my body.
The meaning attached to these symbols still resonates today.
Because they are declared so forcefully on my body. It's inevitable to continuously reflect on their meaning.
I now think there is a reason why I never got more.
The myth is complete with all four.
1/20/2026
Bars are one of my favorite places to people watch
The stools and libations given people this perceived status
They forget there are others around them
And a single women in the ocean of them goes unnoticed
I like to pretend I’m someone else
I use to say it was because of my careers
Neither are preferable to announce in a room full of drunk strangers
But, I also think I like the adventure of following a story that has nothing to do with me
I did this a lot as a kid
It provided a temporary escape to the experiences I was consumed by
There is a freedom in acting out a character I have never really lived
I get to manipulate the situation as I shift the details of my story
But being a chameleon has allowed me to enter rooms I probably wouldn’t normally be welcomed in
I’m not talking about power or status
Just rooms I have no business being in
It has allowed me observe different worlds and have new experiences
I’ve always struggled to truly connect with people
In this way, I’m control
I don’t feel so lonely
1/24/2026
I struggled to keep the the details of this one
(Dream)
My stuffed fox is missing from my office
I quickly scan each room as I make my way down the hallway
I find her in ******’s office
She is laying flat on her back
Appears somewhat deflated
There is a note on her stomach, hand-written
I wish I remembered what it said.
12/24/2025
My therapist and I used to have a routine disagreement about my wisdom and intelligence. She’d be very vocal about her perspective and hope for me.
That one day I might at the bare minimum acknowledge I was smart.
“But”, she’d say, “If you could see how brilliant your mind is and how truly wise you are…the journey will begin”.
Obviously, I’d sit there and argue all my points as to why I knew nothing and was quite the idiot. “People have told me so”, I’d demand. She’d discredit every witness…
I was always irritated during these conversations. One of the last conversations,…debates, we had on the topic she stated, “This relationship ends when you believe you’re smarter than me. When you believe I have nothing else to teach you”.
I believe this women saved my life more times than I can count. This statement, to a point, still sounds ridiculous to me.
I worked with her for 10 years because she was brilliant. And, to be outright frank-called me on my shit.
I was irritated because she was calling out a shield I used to survive. She was challenging it’s truth and therefore, it’s existence. And I can’t let go of a tool that saved my sanity (whatever amount I have left of it).
I stopped seeing her 1.5 years ago. I said it was because I got busy and finances shifted. I don’t think I was honest with her but only because I wasn’t honest with myself. I seriously believed I would return when things settled. I always came back.
When the time came I just couldn’t seem to “find the reason” to go. Not because I felt “cured” or better. I couldn’t place the feeling or even speculate on the potential reasons I suddenly didn’t need it while also needing something.
Not until this summer.
The feeling,…consideration dawned on me. (yes, despite being bluntly told for a decade. I’m regrettably stubborn.)
Her final words played over in my head. “Did our relationship actually end?” And if so, would it mean I believe I’m not so stupid after all?
I experimented with the idea.
The findings were hard to refute- even for me.
The longer I’ve sat with this perspective.
“hmmm, I’m not soooo stupid?”.
The more it’s corrected my vision. At least cleared some of the fog. Enough for me to see that what I’m looking at is truly a shield.
I pretend to be stupid. I have all my life. If I look at this from a more surface point of view and a concrete linear process it’s clear where it comes from. We can tie the story to a series of events where I’m told and treated like I’m stupid, yes. AND, the most important/significant person in this being my mother. It was one of the many criticisms she had for me.
However, I think this defense was also created for another reason.
It didn’t become clear until this weekend.
There wasn’t a feeling of shock or even disappointment.
Just this, “Oh, right”… kind of a confirmation.
I regressed… progressively so the smaller the number of miles between us became.
But I couldn’t JUST be a regressed version of me.
I had my baby and so I watched as I moved between these two selves.
The little one and this… protector…defensive…mother.
And this mother self couldn’t play stupid. No, she needed to be smart and wise for her baby.
There was no way it wasn’t that.
I couldn’t sacrifice him for the mortality of my shield. The choice has always been him- it’s why I’m still here…
So many things overlap and are webbed into this.
But for the purposes of tightening it up…
This defense has allowed me to gaslight myself.
I can continue to live in denial and maybe that doubt will always come lingering back. BUT, with this shield I would never have to face the facts of what my life has been like.
I oscillate between believing myself and doubting it all but the defense has always won the battle.
If I’m stupid, then how could I possibly know what I’m talking about? None of it really happened…
If I’m stupid, then I don’t have to be painfully aware of the show and dance everyone participates in. I could participate too.
If I’m stupid, I can stay small, stay seated. I evade responsibility.
If I’m stupid, I don’t need to be the “bad guy” that wakes everyone up. I avoid judgment of the dirty truths I already so shamefully repress.
Awareness comes at a huge cost. You must sacrifice and leave behind those who cannot and/or choose to not open their eyes.
I have been singled out, outcasted, and punished for being different all my life. When all I really wanted was to be accepted. All I wanted was to belong somewhere and couldn’t understand what about me was so wrong. If I play stupid with them then at the very least, couldn’t be rejected for being anything other than that.
Stupidity allows me to avoid the anger and resentment of never being protected.
It allows me to ignore my desire to belong somewhere as myself,…Eeyore
To avoid facing the guilt that comes from making the choice. The harm I am to cause for being authentically me and leaving them behind. And for no other reason other than I no longer want to be, here.
Behind the defense is someone who is capable, perceptive, brilliant, and potentially disruptive.
The group has never had a need for these qualities. They made me worthless and a rebel.
Emotional and artistic has no place in this dynamic.
My therapist would also ask a routine question to trigger reflection, “Is it them rejecting you or is there a part of you rejecting them?”.
“Is this where you even want to be? Do you really care what they think?”
I suppose I just feel I SHOULD.
I think this restless feeling I’ve had for the last year is coming from deep part of me that knows my time is running out.
The shield no longer works if I can’t get myself to believe in it anymore.
So, if the answer is that I’m smart.
What next?
I’ve been holding my breath in the in-between because I know keeping one foot out stalls the inevitable domino effect that is to come should I drop this shield.
I can’t change the past and the damage it caused- the years lost.
The childhood forsaken.
It’s pretty evident that I was right.
I watch the predictability of everyone’s choices and even my own.
I’ve spent life in survival and in pain. Wanting out.
Choosing to live for one person. Is that all there is?
It’s hard to fuel my tank with this if I’m no longer hiding behind the defense of idiocy.
So if I move forward, what would it be for? What is the point?
It’s obnoxiously clear that I need courage to solve this one.
Do I have or can I find the courage to live past the worst things that happened to me?
In service of what or who?