8/29/2026
(Dream)
The light colored rabbit came to find me
He had some brown spots on him too
He was so angry with me
Demanding my attention
He bit my right forearm
Taking a chunk of my arm with him
I was scared he'd come back
He has reached his breaking point
My efforts to dominate, end him are weakened
Vulnerability can no longer go unacknowledged
What if his return paralyzes me again?
8/26/2026
I’ve liked our conversations because she doesn’t get emotional
Her affect doesn’t really change and she doesn’t soften her voice for me
She lets me feel strong and empowered regardless of what I’m sharing
She uses humor to keep me from leaving
…I got offended
It’s not the first time someone has suggested I join a support group
She started the conversation by listing all the support groups I qualified for.
Because of my experiences, I was “eligible to join any of them!”- Joke
But then her tone became more firm as she suggested I join a different kind of group…
One no one has ever said to me
I felt instantly betrayed
How could she say that to me?!
I shared images from the movies playing in my head
The stills that resurfaced
Only drops of the ocean in my head
I’ve done all I can to run from the feelings of shame and disgust
I needed to numb myself
I needed to play stupid
These feelings would confirm the very label she was giving those experiences…
“That’s not what it was!”
“That didn’t happen to ME!”
“It wasn’t MY body!”
These thoughts followed the rage
She wasted no time in calling it out
It took so much for me to open the vault…
And she labeled it, exploitation…
8/26/2026
Emergency contact
I rotate through the names I plug into these boxes
I’ve never had one consistent person to list
I’ve been told my independance has reached an unhealthy degree
But what other option is there?
And I mean, a concrete…legit option
Not a dream, not a wish, not a hope
The reality is there isn’t a person
I don’t have A person
Sometimes people have a sibling
A parent
A dependable friend
But the reality is that the people in my life, have THEIR person
The people I could probably count on have their own lives
They have their partners, their children, their families
It feels so stupid to say out loud
What does it matter what I put in there?
But I do get stuck on the question
Every time I need to complete paperwork- there it is
Who’s the person they can call?
I’m always secretly hoping they don’t call
It takes the pressure off if I alternate through a few names each time
Or if I add the wrong digits
It’d be lying if I said I never desired to confidently write down the name of MY person
8/19/2026
All day the movie has played over and over again
I can see them…
I said it…
I promised I tried…
The air left my lungs and she froze
“How many men?”
The questions start…
She’s the second person I’ve told…
Curiosity is understandable…
I’d probably ask the same questions…
I heard it as doubt…
Immediately I wonder if I’m wrong…
Could the memories be wrong?
Could the sensation in my body be incorrect?
Who is this? What is this?
8/6/2026
I’m holding the ceviche in my lap
Careful not to spill the juice on the passenger floor
Everyone else gets to stay back
“It's another party”, I’m told
Words of encouragement to remedy my attitude
I never want to go
Each time, I’m told I’m ungrateful
“Other kids would love to go to a party”
I don’t like these parties…
At the door I require a stiff push from her
My feet feel glued to the porch
I’m barely holding on to the tray of ceviche
Both an offering…
8/6/2026 Hope
I’d be lying if I said I was a happy girl before all this
There were monsters before him, before them
Something died
Something went missing 7 years ago
I spent years trying to understand what that was
What could it possibly be?
And where did it go?
There is plenty that haunts me
I shift their weight as they cling to my back, arms, ankles…
All dead versions of me
But this felt different
Another “part of me dying” wasn’t fitting
It’s hard describe when you see the world in shades of grey
When parts of you are hallow
so, what else died?
What am I?
Where am I?
7/27/2026
I’m not a religious person
I was as a little girl
Made sure to pray every day, in both languages-
Just to be sure
Where I come from, it holds a certain importance
A child’s soul cannot be saved if she is not baptized
It is a communal rite of passage
So important your skin hasn’t even adjusted to the air before your coated in holy water
I was 6 when I was baptized
“Ya estás grande”, I remember them saying
I recall the shame for something I didn’t quite understand
I didn’t understand the weight of it then
I don’t mean the religious weight
I’m referring to my grandmother’s determination
She spent 6 years advocating for my soul…
6 is just about the cutoff age for, “La afusión”
My feet didn’t grow for “3 years”
Obviously, an exaggeration
But stemming from some truth
Because of this my grandparents were able to carry me
They both held me as the priest poured the water on my forehead
And up my nose… mostly
My grandparents aren’t just my grandparents
They’re also my Padrinos
I’m not a religious person
But before I could even understand
My grandmother taught me my soul was worth saving too…
7/27/2026
Sound is muffled
The tires hum over the asphalt
There are halos around any light breaking through the darkness
I could end it in a moment…
The pressure builds around my neck
The tightness slows my breathing down
I dig my nails into the steering wheel as I try to swallow my grief
It does not go down…
The shattering sound brings feeling back to my mouth
I notice as my chest fights to take in more air
Like a volcano it comes pouring out of me
Coming from a never-ending place
Bottomless…
It’s like I never heard myself before
Never heard myself speak…
It’s instantly addictive
Again…again… again!
I am scared, fatigued, and relieved
I’m gratified…
Again I ask myself, is this what made me?
Where I come from?
07/02/2026
Sleep is extra hard these days
I watch the clock hit 2am
Static energy is constant in my body
I can't release it
Nothing works
I'm up by 6am
My anxiety is starting to build
Nights are getting louder…
6/27/2026
I haven’t thought about it in a long time
The years, space, had allowed me to push it far back
It began with the sight of the blue-lit room
The quality of the clarity in the room was dependent on the TV
I’ve only just entered the front door
I’m standing in the living room
Everyone is big
My tummy hurts really bad…
For weeks this clip plays over and over
The nausea makes me shut it down immediately
It’s familiar enough for me to know not to go to far
As the days go on, smells are added to the clip
Sounds
The hand on my shoulder…
It’s a gathering, a party
I’ve been to several, more than several…
He guides me to a room
There are 3 boys playing video games in another vaguely lit room
One gets up from the floor
The next from the bed
I’m thrown onto the bed with the other
I hear the door click… doors doors
The fucking doors
We are alone
I’m staring at the floor
My vision is blurry
Then goes black
I can sense him next to me
It takes him a moment
But he eventually begins
The rest is hard to say, to type…
I remember the texture of the wall…
I dig my nails into it…
The chalk gathers under my nails
The door clicks again
… 3 more come in
I fight, but I’m held down
I beg, oh do I beg… please
They’re heavy
I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe!
They share me
Ripping me apart… in body and soul
I remember the taste
I remember their sweat
Their sounds
I remember the yelling and laughing
I didn’t want to remember these….
My throat is sore
My body is heavy
It hurts to move my arms and legs
My head hurts
My eyes burn
My chest is tight
I’m nauseous and my stomach is cramping
My body won’t let me forget
It’s calling back memories I’ve worked so hard to let go…
I’m scared I’ll fall back into something I won’t be able to survive…
6/9/2026
(EMDR)
I'm feeling numb at this point
My body is fuzzy
My lips, my mouth are like black holes
There's nothing there
Then the sounds starts
It startles me at first
Felt like a vibration
Pulling my back into my body a bit
Back and forth the ball goes
In sync with the noise
My stomach hurts
Hurts so bad I instinctively grab it
My body takes me back...
I'm on his lap
I feel it all go in and out
From all black to images
Clips
Strong feelings
It's like I'm blinking as my brain tries to show me
Remind me...
God, I hated wearing dresses and shorts...
My chest is so tight
I think I'm going to puke
I can't...
She pauses me to breathe
My stomach is cramping so bad
She has me refocus
I take another breath and watch the ball
Instantly the pain between my legs starts
My whole body feels tense
I don't want to open my eyes
I feel his hands
I command myself to let myself see
Instantly it clicks
The dissociation... the numbing of my mouth
It was survival...
———-
The next thing I remember is her repeatedly telling I'm safe
She has me think of the place I feel the safest...
She continues to prompt me to breathe
I'm finding it hard to breathe
I'm scared I can't remember what just happened
She tells me I shut down, froze
Stopped breathing, then had a panic attack
I get hit with the last image
My heart rate increases some more
"I remember why I stopped feeling my mouth....", I say
I just cry....
6/6/2026
(Dream)
There was a restaurant behind work building
My friend *** was there and ******
As *** and I were leaving I get a text from .... he says he wants to talk
I show *** my phone
She moves her glance away quickly
Says, "ima pretend I don’t know about that”
"What?.... have you been hanging out with him?", I say
She says, "yes"
The room temperature quickly changes
I’m suddenly aware of every minor sound
The lights are beyond bright
I quickly move to leave
I arrive outside
He is standing there waiting
He tracked her location
The panic attack hits
I awake
5/28/2026
(Dream)
I’m saying bye to each grandparent, one by one at Juanita’s house
They’re all asleep...
**** grabbed my grandpa to cross street. So suddenly he is up. They're walking right in front of me
I admire the sight of my baby as always
**** slips out of his hand and running into a bus
He is hit by the bus
Just before he could grab him
Immediately I'm lost
I'm confused
Who is this? Is my baby **** or not
Not him
But the pain is immense
The pain is about him
The agony never ends
I fall to the floor
I think there was 3 or 4 unfinished canvas
I'm looking at them on the floor like puzzle pieces
I begin to put them them together
5/12/2026
There has been this subtle sensation in my chest for the last few months
I became aware of it after my grandmother’s heart attack
I’m not sure if it’s related…
I also started EMDR again
It’s been progressing more in the last few months
I thought maybe something was lodged in my esophagus…. maybe a twitch
Maybe I was swallowing weird
I don’t feel it when I’m anxious
There isn’t really anything significant going on when it happens
The frequency is increasing
It’s become a constant fluttering in my chest
It’s starting to feel like there are flower petals or a butterfly trapped in my chest
On the nights the moon keeps me company…
4/24/2026
(Dream)
Parent’s house
Mom has all the rooms, owns them
I tried to pick one but she kept coming in
Kept getting angry I was bothering her
Told me I could leave if I didn't like it.
I ripped a door off hinged and walked out
Dad from couch tried to call me back but I kept leaving
Mom came out to lawn and tried to get me to come back too
But she has the usual look, she doesn’t look at me
And I know she is holding back so she can beat me
I said "no"
Woke up-Chest tight
4/21/2026
I was in the middle of listing off my tasks of the day on my post-it
The words became fuzzy
Takes a moment, but I realize I’m crying
Then I’m sobbing
There is this overwhelming warm wave over my body
It starts from the top of my head all the way down to my toes
Every.single.muscle.releases
I’m drained…
Every cell in my body is exhausted
I’m so fatigued
I feel exposed
Similar to when I got my cast removed from my leg
I was so use to what was there
I wasn’t aware of the muscle atrophy or the grey…flakiness of my skin…
She gave me this final puzzle piece
It was like someone giving me credit for sucking it up
For figuring it out all on my own
And it gave my body permission to release…
I had the answer
And I had a witness…
4/15/2026
(Dream)
I’ve been on the run from the cops for a long time. It feels like this has been going on forever.
Somehow it’s tied to my OCD and this feeling of being out of control.
I’m arrested over and over but somehow escape.
I meet up with my cousin, and I break back into the place we were at before.
I wrap things up quickly and leave again. Now everyone is looking for me (family too).
Even my bad cousin is involved...I’m being hunted
His sister sees me, but instead of turning me in, she warns me that they’re coming.
I try to run, but I get caught and arrested again.
This time, xxxx is there, and so are my parents.
I’m crying and telling them I’m innocent, but it feels like they’ve already abandoned me.
xxxx is the only one who doesn’t.
That same familiar feeling comes back
Out loud, I announce it. “I want to die”… but I feel bad.
Because I know xxxx is there.
I tell one of the officers to get him out of there.
Then I’m being put into a police car.
I grab the holster.
I wake up right at the click…