6/9/2026

(EMDR)

I'm feeling numb at this point
My body is fuzzy
My lips, my mouth are like black holes
There's nothing there

Then the sounds starts
It startles me at first
Felt like a vibration
Pulling my back into my body a bit

Back and forth the ball goes
In sync with the noise
My stomach hurts
Hurts so bad I instinctively grab it

My body takes me back...

I'm on his lap
I feel it all go in and out
From all black to images
Clips
Strong feelings
It's like I'm blinking as my brain tries to show me
Remind me...

God, I hated wearing dresses and shorts...

My chest is so tight
I think I'm going to puke
I can't...

She pauses me to breathe
My stomach is cramping so bad

She has me refocus
I take another breath and watch the ball

Instantly the pain between my legs starts
My whole body feels tense
I don't want to open my eyes
I feel his hands

I command myself to let myself see
Instantly it clicks
The dissociation... the numbing of my mouth
It was survival...
———-
The next thing I remember is her repeatedly telling I'm safe
She has me think of the place I feel the safest...
She continues to prompt me to breathe
I'm finding it hard to breathe
I'm scared I can't remember what just happened

She tells me I shut down, froze
Stopped breathing, then had a panic attack

I get hit with the last image
My heart rate increases some more

"I remember why I stopped feeling my mouth....", I say
I just cry....