6/27/2026

I haven’t thought about it in a long time

The years, space, had allowed me to push it far back

It began with the sight of the blue-lit room

The quality of the clarity in the room was dependent on the TV

I’ve only just entered the front door

I’m standing in the living room

Everyone is big

My tummy hurts really bad…

For weeks this clip plays over and over

The nausea makes me shut it down immediately

It’s familiar enough for me to know not to go to far

As the days go on, smells are added to the clip

Sounds

The hand on my shoulder…

It’s a gathering, a party

I’ve been to several, more than several…

He guides me to a room

There are 3 boys playing video games in another vaguely lit room

One gets up from the floor

The next from the bed

I’m thrown onto the bed with the other

I hear the door click… doors doors

The fucking doors

We are alone

I’m staring at the floor

My vision is blurry

Then goes black

I can sense him next to me

It takes him a moment

But he eventually begins

The rest is hard to say, to type…

I remember the texture of the wall…

I dig my nails into it…

The chalk gathers under my nails

The door clicks again

… 3 more come in

I fight, but I’m held down

I beg, oh do I beg… please

They’re heavy

I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe!

They share me

Ripping me apart… in body and soul

I remember the taste

I remember their sweat

Their sounds

I remember the yelling and laughing

I didn’t want to remember these….

My throat is sore

My body is heavy

It hurts to move my arms and legs

My head hurts

My eyes burn

My chest is tight

I’m nauseous and my stomach is cramping

My body won’t let me forget

It’s calling back memories I’ve worked so hard to let go…

I’m scared I’ll fall back into something I won’t be able to survive…