4/10/2025
I think I’ve been in this hole for the better part of a year
Something’s off
It’s hard to catch when I’m in it
The remnants of the past call to me
Luring me into this hole
They sing me the lullaby of death…
The world around me feels fake
It’s unsafe and distant
I slowly push through the atmosphere like molasses
I often feel like a corpse
Some zooned out zombie
Half dead…. half alive
I prefer this at times
It’s familiar
I keep Her locked in a room
Down a very long hallway
I can feel Her and I can hear Her
But I don’t dare look back…
It’s hard…
I try but sometimes it’s better to feel nothing
I feel the pressure build inside me
It’s crawling under my skin
…so-I make it stop…
When it hits— there’s this relief
The other night it triggered a purge
As I slipped into death the tears fell
Tears of gratitude- for the relief
Tears of disappointment- for my cowardness
If I surrender to death
Then I don’t have to witness my cowardness
And I certainly don’t have to acknowledge how sad of a person I truly am…
3/22/2025
Did I go too far?
I believed knowledge to be the key
The master key to unlocking my sanity
How couldn’t it not be?
I’ve been in the pursuit of truth-
Unlocking as many doors as possible and as fast as I can
They come in and out of my office all day
Like a flip book, their silhouettes sitting and standing so quickly
They shift in their seats
Crossing and uncrossing their legs
This key seems to work for other people
Is that how it’s suppose to work?
Does knowing too much impact its efficacy for me?
Did I sacrifice my opportunity?
Why doesn’t it work for me?
2/22/2025
I often wonder about how other women experience this
It’s not something I question out loud
Logically, I know it had nothing to do with me
But a louder part recognizes she birthed her greatest pain
I've spent my entire existence knowing I wasn’t wanted
I haven’t found a way to undo it…
I think it’s something i’m suppose to live with
You pick up the pieces,… carry them, and keep moving
Regardless of the cards you were dealt…
… the mother you got…
Life knows how to trigger the unwelcomed thought
“I want my mom”
It’s followed by this strong urge to pick up the phone and call a women who loves me more than anyone on this planet
A women, who may not be perfect but loves me more than she loves her pain
She's always rooting for me
Always knows what to say
She’s my biggest cheerleader
(Even knowing all my mess)
She's always protecting me
Making sure i’m taken care of…
Despite reality Im pulled into this fantasy
It only lasts a fraction of a second
I almost instantly remember… there is no one to call
Over and over I relive the experience
Like i’m hearing the news for the first time…
“You have no mother to call”
It doesn’t hurt like it use to
Having someone to call is like winning the lottery
I don’t think people truly appreciate what an amazing gift it is to have a mother to call…
A mother who picks up
Who shows up…
But, I think I still get stuck
Guilt always lingers in the corners of my grief
At least my mother, isn’t dead….
Right?…
1/28/2025
The image replays over and over
Sometimes I can’t find the words to describe an experience…
Images seem to work best when words fail
I imagine the ink on the quill hitting the paper
The paper, parched, quickly drinks
The ink bleeds through the subtle dimples of the sheet
This is the feeling that spreads
My body releases the air and tension it’s been holding
quill on paper
1/9/2025
(Dream)
People keep looking at me
I'm standing alone now at this party
Seems there are only men really around
I make myself busy and start cleaning
I find myself in the laundry room
I hear noise coming down the hallway and i peek
There is a guy jumping as he pulls his pants up
As he slips his shoes on
He sees me
And puts his arm around me as he walks me away from the room
Another comes up and asks for a hug as he comes in for an embrace
I'm uncomfortable
I know this feeling but I don't know why
I watch as he walks out of the room
He's clothed
But when we make eye contact a stone develops in my stomach
Like he's a doctor coming out of the room of a loved one
Preparing to deliver some bad news
The more this look tells me, "don't come"
The more i want to
My legs pull me towards him
Everyone's watching
I'm nauseated by him now
Angry
Disappointed
My hands begin to shake
My throat closes
I look in the room
The image is gone from memory already
But the feeling isnt...
I dropped to the floor
He tries to catch me
But I don't want him touching me
The screaming begins
I'm not screaming at anyone at first
But the more he tries to hold me the angrier I get
"What did you do!?"
"Did you do that!?"
"Why would you do that to her!?"
Death breaks through the floor
I beg to be consumed
But it only comes to wrap itself around me
To tighten it's grip
And leave another mark
"I WANT TO DIE"
I wake up...
1/5/2025
I fantasize about it a lot
It feels so good and devastatingly bad
My ribs ache as he presses them against the sink
I avoid eye contact with myself
He's washing it away...
He knows what I know...
It's not coming off...
It's like rinsing oil off your hands with water
But he tries...
I gag, sometimes vomit over the running water but he never stops
He takes the toothbrush
The mouth wash...
I hate the taste of listerine
I hate scrubbing my tongue...
It's the same protocol each time
He leaves me on the lid...
My soul drips into the toilet...
I can smell it... I can taste it...
Sometimes i’d watch as the red moves and flows into hues of pink
Lose myself in nothing…
Sometimes I'd pray…
I’d make promises- i’d be a good girl
Worthy of his saving, I promise
… i’m not dirty
He killed me
Long before I could even live...
.....
I hated it
I hated him
I hate... me
....
I know him
It's what haunts him today
It oozes out when he drinks
It drives his threats...
I know him...
Like no one else does
With me, he cannot lie
The cost of ending me, is revealing yourself
You cannot take the soul of a child without paying the price
It’s not guilt he is consumed by…
It's the risk of losing power… credibility
You’re just as dirty… as me
I know what he likes...
I know what he hates...
He likes attention
And control
He feeds off your insecurities
He's great at saying a lot without ever really saying anything
He feeds off your pain...
He loves blood...
Especially, when you beg
His tools were always sharp
Always making sure to mark… what he claimed as his…
I carry the weight of my corpse
While he runs wild and free
I fantasize about him begging...
The blood...
The control...
Leaving a mark…
The prolonged execution...
The endorphins rushing through my body
What a high...
What freedom
If his heart stops beating
Mine can stop bleeding...
I watch as the thoughts consume me
Chew me up and spit me out…
Then the same feeling I get from scrubbing my tongue with the toothbrush comes up
Maybe, he left too much of himself in me...
This is when the fantasy shifts
I do not fear them
I welcome them…
If there was a God- this would be the prayer to fulfill
Please let me end here
1/1/2025
There is always a point in the night when I’ve run out of…things
Nothing left to do
No one left to call
Just me and the glass of whiskey…
I like being alone…
I also hate it
It’s when the noise takes over
It’s also why I keep my distance from others
I wonder if I’d even like solitude if it weren’t for them
Or maybe it’d be the opposite
It’s all the same cycle
Rinse and repeat
But, some nights I don’t want to be alone with them…
I don’t have the words to explain what happens to me
I couldn’t tell you what I’m so sad about
Or even tell you with certainty that sadness is what I’m feeling
I haven’t figured out where the speaker is
The feedback loop increases the harder I look for it
I’m fine in this familiar space
I manage it alone
But sometimes…
I’d give anything to be held
But not just by anyone
You see, touch is important to me
Touch hurts more than it heals
Safety in it is rare…
I’d have to risk it all and trust someone to keep me safe
To hold me in their arms as I fall apart over something that no longer is
But cannot be explained to them
I hear my own contradictions…
I know I’m scary this way
It’s upsetting to others
And I wish I could explain it…
But I also wish someone wouldn’t look for it
For the answers or understanding in chaos they’ve never lived
I suppose this is an unreasonable ask…
I’m scared of the darkness in me consuming someone else
So, I stay away… to keep them safe-to keep myself safe
Yet, on nights like this, I dispute this claim…
12/28/2024
The noise is tightening the laces around my lungs
My throat is swelling up…
My hands begin to shake
I pick up a brush
12/14/2024
I don’t know how to stop…
I don’t know how to be good enough
I don’t know how to like myself
She struggled to raise me because she didn’t like me
The mean voice in my head was the women dropping me off at the sitter’s
Was, yet the voice in my head continues
It’s not just the thought, “I’ll never be good enough”
But the feeling
That’s worse…
I thought the peak of my grief would be accepting what I never got
There’s no one and nothing to fight anymore
There is silence left in the absence of the war
Making me so aware of just how empty and broken I am…
11/2/2024
(Dream)
I'm in the new apartment I sense.
I'm in session with my therapist
She asks me a question I don't understand about being "bad versus good"
A women, followed by her partner break through my window
The women disappears and its just him
He landed on my bed
I'm screaming and attacking him
I notice a sensation in my sleeve
When I look at the window there are insects coating the window sill
There are flies, bees, worms, spiders
Even frogs
I look at the floor
It's like I'm wearing a flashlight on my head
Everything is dark until I give it my attention
The floor is covered with insects
I try to crawl away
I feel exhausted and give in to the floor
I hear small coughs behind me
I turn to find mufasa, my dog
I reach to touch him and feel terrified I won't feel him
Not only do I feel him but he comes in for more
I begin sobbing
I repeat over and over "I love you"
I wake up shaking....
10/5/2023
“What if I never get my love reciprocated
Born to be the one
Forced to be, the one that never actually dated
And I think I’m a broken record
That every time that I flip
There is no other side
Just some smart ass funny quip
That doesn’t show how upset I am about it
I’m not funny
It’s just a trauma response
What if all I’m gifted
Is somebody’s half hearted nonchalance
I don’t feel rejected
I feel ugly
I feel like I’m not enough
I feel like no matter what happens
I have to suck it up
And be tough
That the grades are never perfect
The photos are never good
That I keep trying to love myself
Just to convince myself that
Somebody else actually could
And the better I get
Sometimes the worse that I feel
Because what if I never get to your
Expectation of what it means to full heal
And I just keep getting older
And each year
It feels like a heavier weight
I keep distracting myself with other hobbies
Like love is an appetite to satiate
I’m not sad about it
I’m just disappointed that I’m still not there
Do you think people feel it
When you include them in a prayer?
What if I never know it?
Not truly
The nausea ensues
If love is an alarm
Why do they just keep hitting snooze?
Because isn’t the dream worth living?
What if I never get…
To know the reality,
Of who I could of met?”
CC
9/20/2024
I did not survive what I survived
to simply be grateful…
When I look at him
I remember all that matters
—————
You’ve changed my life since the day you were born
Without you, I wouldn’t be the women I am today
You challenged me in ways no one else could
It took all of me to give you all my good
Believe me when I say it was so much to sort through
All I have ever wanted was for you to be loved
To be seen and supported, just as you are
To be a kid…
People always tell me I don’t know what it’s like
To be a mother…
To worry every day about how the world treats the best part of you
And I can’t say whether that‘s right or wrong
But you taught me to be a mother…
It has been the greatest privilege of of my life
To only be apart of yours
I had spent years wondering why I never had the urge
Why it never happened for me…
I tossed it into the pile of things “wrong with me”
But when they rolled you out
I realized you were going to be the best part
Of me…
And I think this is exactly what my motherhood was meant to be
I have done my best to give you every ounce of good in me
To shield you from the things that plague me
And I know I’m not great it at it
And it’s okay to be angry or disappointed in the ways I show up
It’s okay to see me as anything but perfect
Because amor, I’m not…
In loving and mothering you
I learned all the things I’ve needed
I’ve understood all the love I’ve lacked
And how easy it was to feel, give…
There is nothing you can do or say
That will ever get me to forget
All the amazing ways you make me feel-
A mother
I have loved you long before you were here
And I will love you far beyond those limits
9/15/2024
Once I realized I had lost my voice
I spent years trying to find where I had left it
I thought if I could pinpoint the exact moment
Then it would just snap back in place
I’m not sure if I lost it in one moment
Or if the accumulation of moments faded out my vocal cords
I’m not even sure if I lost it
That sounds too passive
Like I didn’t even try to fight for it
Like I was careless
It was taken…
When I think of my voice
Of my pain
An opinion or thought
It’s accompanied by a memory of this feeling
Of this terror laced with stillness
That stillness, laced with peace
Isolation
Calmness in nothing
For as long as I can remember I have feared darkness
My heart rate still spikes as the sun begins to set
As a kid, this feeling was beyond terrifying
I was consumed and convinced I was in danger
I can’t say She was wrong
But even on the nights the monsters slept
She couldn’t find comfort in that safety
There use to be this bolt lock on my parent’s door
You locked it from inside the room
My door had a lock too actually…
I tried really hard to be brave
I wasn’t as good then at swallowing my feelings
But I knew it would infuriate her if I didn’t
I could feel her waiting for a tear to drop
For my face to shift
I’d make it up until the lights were switched off all over the house
I’d sit up very still trying to make myself have night vision
Trying to smell and feel someone pushing through the air in the room
She just knew someone was there
I knew better than to touch her
I knew better than to cry in front of her
I knew I wouldn’t find what I wanted
What I needed…
But I just really needed someone to keep me safe
Back and forth I’d have arguments in my head
Debating when the fear would be real enough to try
At what point was it worth begging?
My stomach would knot up
The sharp pain in my chest felt like I was dying
"My mommy wouldn’t want that”…
I suppose She thought…
Then She’d call out for her
Louder and louder
Until She realized no one was coming
There were no footsteps down the hall
No locks or doorknobs clicking
The pain of the rejection was always deflating
Her screams just echoed back at Her
It filled Her with shame, embarrassment
Shame for being weak
Embarrassment for needing someone
Unconsciousness took over when there was no more liquid left
No more energy left…
There are different versions for different nights
But this night, was the night of the doormat
She made her way on Her hands and knees
Trying to control Her breathing
“She hates when I make too much noise…”
But gasping was the only way air came in
She makes it just past the door
On the carpet She tries to find comfort
She’s awake and furious
We are stupid and annoying
We are pathetic
We must stop crying…
We try for more contact
We climb into bed
But only at her feet to keep some distance
Her warmth begins to feel soothing
Maybe she will let us stay if we don’t move
Unfortunately, we’ve been crying too long
My lungs involuntarily gasp for air
She kicks me repeatedly
I fight to hold on longer
But I’m not strong enough, and it hurts…
She drags us outside the room
Drops us off on the doormat
… Like my biological mother did in the dumpster behind a McDonalds…
We are unwanted garbage
The bolt on the door clicks
I’m sore and tired
I’m scared and frozen
There is no fight left
I continue to cry on the mat for sometime
But when she comes to kick on the door
The numbness take over
This is where the terror turns to stillness
In the silence I find calm in the acceptance
I surrender to the end of me
I begin to pray for it as I fall asleep…
I wonder if my lips felt numb then too…