9/1/2025

I loop around the same surface-level realizations

Acknowledging some degree of impact

Surely there was damage done…

This was needed to survive

To move forward, I say

But I’m not so sure it’s function is relevant anymore

I was rejected

But I also reject it right back

It feels like someone else’s memory

Like a different lifetime

I reject this person- this part of me

It goes into the pile with all the other versions of me

The dirty, the weird, the outcast-the unlovables

It takes a lot of mental gymnastics to deny your lived experiences

Inevitably these versions have informed the person I am today

The good, the bad, the messy… a lot of the messy

I’ve made the conscious choice to try on their narrative

I’ve carried the story my way and it has only weighted me down

Although it feels disconnected and even delusional-

Their version remembers me as a fighter

Yes, still wounded and scarred

But- courageous

Determined to stay in the fight… and win

As I stumble my way with integrating this exiled woman

I come face-to-face with a deeper realization:

I let them burry the only part of me I ever loved

Abuse and neglect steal your voice

Your soul is sold to the devil

However, I learned to find the oxygen in rooms

Quickly I picked up the patterns

My brain and my work would always give me access to a microphone

I made sure to always be the best at whatever I did

And I owned it

I may have lost my voice in every other area of my life

I may have hesitated or doubted myself in other spaces

Felt powerless and helpless

But in my work- I was always clear

The betrayal killed her.

They nailed the coffin shut

and buried her 8 feet deep

My knees are shaking but-

I’m standing on her coffin now

I’m digging her up

I will resuscitate her

But this time,

I’ll make sure no one can ever put he back in this hole