9/6/2025

Witching hour-

Not a phenomenon for me but the norm

Suiting I suppose…

It’s arms pull me into the darkness

I’m covered in it

Black ooze

Tar

I’m tainted

My body seems to be failing me now

Or maybe I’m becoming more aware…

I’m exhausted but I can’t stop

I don’t know how

The aches and pains

The flare ups-

All are suddenly louder

I’ve felt betrayed by this body most of my life

So I’ve disconnected from it

I’ve been careless and destructive

…As if I didn’t still do this

Love and care has never really been modeled or reliable

I wear armor to keep everyone and everything out

Suddenly, I’m hyperaware of how rotten I’ve become underneath

There’s a lot of despair with this realization

But also this opposing feeling

Like I’m letting go

And it’s ok

I think, “This is good”

“It can finish here”

Rest lures my mind

Now it calls my body

I’ve learned not to need others

I take care of myself

Even when I give space

I go into it with a back up plan

Never letting myself believe they’ll show up or stay

People fail

They’re careless

Incompetent

This has worked out fine for me

Learning to rely on myself has become a strength

I’m so good at it that I fulfil the role for others

I can carry people on my back

I don’t hesitate

But I can’t seem to bring myself to trust

Trust that someone will catch me, hold me correctly, or take the lead

Sometimes I wonder what it’d be like

To become undone

Completely helpless in the arms of another

To feel settled in their ability to stay…

And not walk away with another wound…

It’s a fleeting curiosity

I lay down the next brick