6/18/2025- Phoenix
(Dream)
We stop at gas station
I'm not driving
I'm sitting in the back. In the 3rd row.
He used my card to fill up.
My wallet and phone are in 2nd row on top of a jacket.
XXXXXX is pacing around station as the tank fills
This other guy pumping gas puts his whole head into the open car door
I immediately grab my wallet
Then my phone he's looking at me up and down
Keeps trying to ask me questions and engage in a conversation
I ask him to back up and get out of my car
I slide to the other side to get distance
He reaches in and grabs my hand to rub it
I ask him to stop and try to pull away but he holds it harder and harder
He doesn't listen
I'm enraged
So I push forward to get out of the car and move him out
Once out of the car he gets even closer
There is no space
I feel small
I felt cornered in the car
But outside I'm only more pissed he invaded my space
I yelled at him to back up
He won't
I get louder and louder
His body language gets aggressive
He's mad now
I start moving back to avoid physical contact
I keep my right foot behind me but then he starts to chase me
He grabs me
My skin feels hot- NO
I turn to fight
I shove him and land a punch
I punch him over and over
I'm out of control...
The rage takes over
He's on the ground
I WILL kill him
Then XXXXXX comes over calmly
I'm pissed because he didn’t help
I don't know where he was but I know he was around
He must have heard. Must of seen
He tells me I didn't have to do that
I'm pissed at him now because he clearly didn't see
Doesn't even believe me
I'm overexplaining what he did and all I did to set boundaries before losing control
He's smirking and saying I over reacted
I'm very mad at him now
He reaches for my shoulder to "calm me down"
I push him hard in the chest and he smirks again
He extends his arms
I walk away from him
He follows me like he wants to hug me, open arms
It feels condescending
He at one point goes, "aw" as I begin to cry
I'm hurt
I stop moving
He holds me at one point and I'm so mad he isn't listening so I pushed away
I'm hot, on fire
I think over and over, "no no no. This happened. I'm not crazy! You can't hold me until I forget!"
I yelled - NO!
I ask, "why don't you believe me!?"
"Why didn't you help!?"
"Why are you hurting me too?!"
"Why don't you care?!"
His faces changes
It's not stuck in a robotic smirk
I can't describe the look or his eyes
It's just different. Real, present
He only looks at me as I'm set on fire in that moment
... Consumed by the internal flame.
—————————
I wake up drenched
My hair is soaked.
Tight chest but not anxiety
There is an ache in my stomach- disgust
Headache and jaw clenched/locked
I chewed through my cheek. I taste blood.
There is always fear in my dreams but I quickly notice this one's anger
I'm not shaking this time
Its rage. I want to fight.
My heart aches
I try to settle into reality
Then the scent comes back...
"It's not real"...
The smell of furniture.... not just any wood
The smell of the inside of a drawer
Made of....plywood
The image of the bed emerges
I instantly open my eyes
"It's not real"
Breathe....
This is panic
It makes me small
I pull my knees in
I have a bad stomach ache now
Nauseated
Then the taste comes into my mouth...
No no
I cry....
It's not real....
I want the rage back..
