6/19/2025

We are a family gathering

Sitting in the back room

It’s my grandmother’s house

It’s one of the rooms they built when coming to this country

My uncle is there…he’s a quiet guy

My mother is there

And I think a few cousins

There is a pull down ladder to the attic in the middle of the room

For some reason I know it’s mine

My things are up there

Nothing seems wrong

People are talking

Then I’m talking

He enters the room and I stop speaking…

I freeze

I notice no one else is speaking

Everyone is frozen too

Looking at him

I have the worry people will see

See how dirty I am

I worry about what will happen

And what I have to pretend to be in this moment

What show must I perform?

The pull down ladder is right in front of me

He walks over and is very close to me

I have to move for him to drop the stairs

Someone asks what he wants

I can’t remember who

He confidently says a new shirt

I’m instantly mad

I can’t hold it

“What are you doing?! You want what?! No, get the fuck out of here!”

His face looks shut down

Like I said the magic words

He surprisingly doesn’t push back

He lets go of the strong and walks out of the room

I’m facing the entrance

Worried I’m about to be called a bitch or disrespectful

I turn and meet my uncle’s face

He shakes his head in disgust

In disapproval

But not of me

Almost to say, “this guy, right? Gross!”

I feel shame

He knows?!

My cousins seem to know too

But everyone just asks me to finish my story

But I’m stuck

I’m getting small

I’m dirty

My mom scoots over and lifts me onto her lap

I’m grown and she’s petite but she does it effortlessly

She says, “It’s ok. I got you. Take your time… we are all here”.

This unsticks my knees from my chest

I feel a smirk on my face

I can’t look at anyone or speak

But the room begins to fill with conversation

The energy comes back…

Perhaps the life…

I exhale deeply

and awake