12/6/2017

I’m scared of never coming out of this. It feels like I fell into some deep hole. I feel I’m far from everyone and everything. How am I suppose to get out. Should I even care? Try? All I want…and can do is drink and sleep.

12/5/2017

I feel numb.

I can’t keep anything down.

I feel disgusting.

All I want to do is sleep.

11/21/2017

My life seems to be going in slow motion. I’m struggling to make it through the days. The drinking has increased.

Every day gets harder. I feel ready to give up.

I’m so done with this life. I don’t think I can keep this up. I’m falling apart. The whole world is caving in and I’m alone.

The pain would stop. The anxiety, the nightmares. All gone.

There’s nothing left. They took it all from me. There’s nothing left. They killed her.

I’m disgusting.

11/21/2017

Please just let me die. Being alive hurts too much.

11/19/2017

Time is moving slow

How could this have happened?

I’m having arguments in my head about how I should feel

I can’t do this again

11/14/2017

TJ

11/15/2017- confession of a kiss

11/20/2017- confrontation

9/16/2017

I want him to feel it. I want him to live in it like I have all these years.

I’m tired. I’m tired.

This fucking God that everyone talks about never came for me. He didn’t care whether I screamed for him. He watched it happen.

10:50am

Why does this feel so good?

The anxiety is silenced. The thoughts are quiet. Muddled.

I think I’m too broken to be anything anymore.

Who the fuck would love this?

9/16/2017

Independence day, 10am

I let the fluid numb me again.

I have this dream…

I drive the 7 hours to him

Meet him in the hills and call him on his shit

He gets to feel scared and violated. It’s his turn

I get to ask him why?

I pull my Glock, point it as his head. I empty it.

9/15/2017

The feeling of wanting to give up comes back.

Why keep trying? It’s so much easier to not give a shit.

9/11/2017

Anxiety comes. Same thoughts. I’m frustrated.

It’s the same, every day!

I’m tired of this feeling. So pissed. I want to throw it away. I drink.

9/4/2017

(Dream)

I’m under the influence of alcohol working the unit.

Coworker forces himself on me. Kissing me and I push.

I say no. He keeps going. I blackout. Wake up unsure of what happened.

I feel violated.

9/2/2017

(Dream)

I was somewhere with family.

I’m holding a small baby. Maybe 6 months. She’s dark and has a lot of dark curly hair.

My family takes turns holding her.

I feel protective, anxious, and I watch her.

She comes back to me.

Is she mine? Who is she?

I play with her. She’s very happy and adorable.

Then he comes

He takes her from me.

I wake wondering if the girl is mine, or is she me?

8/30/2017

He’s pure and I want to protect that.

8/28/2017

He was talking about his mom. Seems like a good mom. As he is talking about her, I think of mine. I feel my eyes tear up but I don’t cry. He’s lucky. I feel it. The part of me that’s still waiting for mommy to show up. The hurt is still very much apart of me, but at the same time disconnected.

I want the pain to stop.

7/29/2017

He told me he could hear me grind my teeth and see me frown all night long.

I feel naked.

7/29/2017

Somedays,

I feel everything at once

Other days,

I feel nothing at all

I don’t know what’s worse

Drowning beneath the waves or dying from thirst

7/25/2017

There are feelings in me that don’t even have a name yet

7/17/2017

(Dream)

I feel angry.

My dream involved me being angry. My older brother was killed and I remember the overwhelming feeling. SO much anger.

7/13/2017

(Dream)

It was about him. I was in my room but the set up was different. I had my bed that way years ago. He was on top of me. I disappeared in my head. Out of my body and I was overcome with shame for giving up. Giving up on the life I wanted. I feel nothing but I’m crying. He’s yelling at me. I awake.

My skin is flaring up.

7/8/2017

Horses really do something. My mind is finally quiet and still. I am one with my partner. Free.

The tears always come down when it’s safe to.