7/8/2017

You know when you’re in a car and it’s pouring rain. You go under a bridge and everything stops?

Everything goes silent, peaceful. Then you finally get out from under the bridge and everything hits you a little harder than before?

7/8/2017

It was an attempt to distract myself. My nightmares have been so bad. I get maybe 3 hours of broken sleep a night. I’m a mess. I hate myself. The crying never seems to stop. I make a mess of it all the time because I hate the messy parts of myself. I’m tired of this feeling. I rather not feel. There’s something in my chest. I can’t breathe. I can’t calm it.

7/7/2017

I feel it happening again. The numb feeling is starting.

There is an ocean of silence between us… and I’m drowning in it.

7/3/2017

He’s here

I went to sleep to relax

I heard him

He was in the house

I pretended to keep sleeping like I always did

He came into my room and I felt I’d explode

My otherwise sweet dog was growling

He approached me to try and wake me but my dog stood in front of me

He tried to pick him up and he tried to bite

He chased him out the room

He knows me. It’s like he knew exactly why he couldn’t be near me

My chest is tight. I’m so nauseous. Angry…

6/23/2017

She didn’t need to be saved. She needed to be found and appreciated for exactly who she was.

6/12/2017

(Dream)

I’m surrogate for cousin.

After procedure, I had a lot of anxiety. Felt it was a mistake.

5/25/2017

It’s too much

Rubbing my feet together…

3/21/2017

Trying to cope with the PAIN

I numb it

3/18/2017

(Dream)

Roaches falling on me and following me

No one came to help when I screamed

3/17/2017

(Dream)

I laid in a room full of beds, naked

I’m waiting for someone.

These friends come in, 4

Nothing is out of the ordinary

One of them gets in bed with me and as I speak, she touches my knee.

I pull away.

When I’m about to get up. I roll over over

She grabs my waist to kiss my back.

I pull away and pull her hands off

I ask what she’s doing

She laughs.

I get up and one of the girls doesn’t even look at me.

Says she didn’t hear me complaining.

The other agrees.

I’m bad. I liked it and wanted it.

I leave to another room. I begin to cry.

I hate myself so much

1/28/2017

I think I dreamt of her… 1/26/2017

The bruise on my forehead connects me to the history

He comes to my rescue

Lets me pet him repeatedly

1/9/2017

Memories of the past

Uncomfortable

1/6/2017

Do i make myself sick?

Will I always feel this way?

I’m tired

9/29/2016

Anger… coping with feelings of sadness

9/27/2016

It feels like I’m under water and alone.

The anger, I’ve noticed is like a cover up for pain- it’s a defense.

9/6/2016

I believe that there is a longing in my soul that searches the whole world.

8/25/2016

I’m here because my love for him matters. It will always matter more than any fear or pain of mine.

I’ve stayed to keep careful watch over him while he sleeps.

What he means to me is often misunderstood. People only see all I have done for him. What they fail to see is all that he has done for me. He may never understand it either. I’ve spent years living a life I hated but couldn’t escape. I was drowning and no one ever came. All it took was seeing his small beautiful face. It gave me enough strength to keep swimming. My beautiful angel.

8/25/2016

My parents believed I grew up being scared of the dark

I’ve seen too much darkness to ever be fearful of the night

The monsters I fear don’t come from under beds or closets

6/9/2016

It’s like trying to change the color of my eyes.

1/10/2016

I want to wash away the filth that covers my skin and invades my mind.