5/12/2025

I’m addicted to being depressed

I know nothing different because it has been my life

So what’s the opposite?

Silence? Peace?

That’s what I imagine

I have to seek and access things that do pull me out of it

do it more

the advance level is being able to find the resource in myself

I interpret this concept as a fairy tale

It’s not fair caring for how other people feel

I don’t want to be responsible for other people’s emotions

If they feel good-I’m scared of tainting it

If they feel bad- I’m scared to cause more suffering

I’m depressed and angry

And probably a lot of other things too

You say I don’t know how to talk about the anger or emptiness

Because I don’t talk about it

And I don’t, at least not with other people

But it’s always there.

So I don’t want to give it any more space than it already has

I move through things quickly-it’s survival

But I also do talk about these things

To myself, in my head

Believe me it’s not a stranger

But this gets exhausting with all the other noise in my head

It doesn’t serve me to recount the things that have happened

I guess that’s why therapy stopped working…

I’m tired of hearing it

I’m tired of the pity from the person sitting across from me

I’m tired of the complaints and grievances that come out of my mouth

So what your mother didn’t want you?

So what you were raped as a child?

So now you’re sad? Okay…

Yeah, it sucks, and?

The past is stable, we can’t change the facts

Talking about it doesn’t help

I’m just chasing my tail as I recite details of a life that has no significance

I don’t know what I’m angry about

That might be a lie- it is…

Anger has been the drive of my life

At least a main source

Fear is debilitating, but anger-it’s actionable

I’m angry about the circumstances of my life

My upbringing

The abuse and neglect

The disregard… The invisibility of my existence

but then so what?

i’m justifiably angry at my mother for the actions she took

and justifiably angry for my father's passivity.

So what?

I’m angry with everyone else who came to take pieces of me

And reminded me in the most cruel ways that I’m still nothing…

So-what?

I survived through my work ethic

I’m a fast learner because everything has rules, patterns, and structures.

You just have to follow each step and it results in the final product

This is the part most people have access to

I’m scared of showing more of myself so I don’t hurt anyone with those parts

I give a fraction to people

So sure, 20% to you

I do it because I worry the rest will hurt them

People don’t like darkness

Initially they may find it poetic

The foreign nature of it might be appealing

Maybe they think it will make them feel more alive

But this fades…

people don’t seek darkness

why would you pick the dark girl with no face?

Over someone bright? Not a chance

And I don’t blame them

I’m hyperindependent

And when things build and get worse, I pull away from people

I protect those I care for

It’s an egregious assumption to think others don’t have their own battles

I slowly pull away so it’s not so obvious

But eventually they seek me out

I get mad because I want to be alone

“I’m protecting you damniit”

And if they get sad about it then I feel awful

But more mad because I knew it would happen

I just want them to think I’m fine and now worry about me

Not need me or be attached to me

To let me go…

So yes…

I have no say in who loves me

This is true

And sometimes that feels like a burden…

I tell you I pull away to protect those I care for

To make sure the hurtful parts of me don't bleed all over them

and yes, this is true

but this isn’t the only way pulling away protects people from the things my darkness desires

But I can’t say it

There’s no one to tell

No one to share the real thoughts and feelings I project onto my canvases

I think the words but don’t dare say them

I can’t see it- this perspective you speak of

I don’t like myself

How do I change that perspective?

I don’t care for life

How do I change that perspective?

I feel stupid

like I’m a burden

Again, I don’t want to hurt people I care about

Who do I think I am to think I have the power to take someone’s light away? You asked.

I suppose it’s because I know it’s possible

I understand because somebody took mine…

I think there is a point in which you can break people

Hurt them, damage them

Do things you can’t undo

The poison that wrecked me was left behind in me

So then, am I addicted to this because I don’t want to get better?

I don’t want the other perspective bad enough?

But this couldn’t be it

It doesnt FEEL like the answer

I've spent SO much time, money, energy in trying to like myself

To want to live

I've run out of ideas

Yes, I’m tired and always been

This feels different though

I won’t do it like this anymore- I can’t

The weight of the last 2 yrs- really 6 yrs is hitting me

My world flipped on it’s axis

I started all over again

It was just about moving

No time to process or feel it

You don’t think about the awful thing

but as things have slowed down in the last 8 months

I’ve realized how empty I am

How depressed of a person I am

How much of it I still carry

I’ve known these things but I’m not so sure I’ve observed myself this way

I immediately think-

was it really that bad for me to be this fucking depressed

this addicted

was it really that bad?

then the other thought is- does it just mean I’m weak

You say I can’t keep the list going.

The list of the things I hate about myself

But I know I can, because I have

The more I dig, the more I explore myself- the more I hate

I can start with my body

I can talk about my personality

or the habits I have

I can give you an on-going list of the things I watch myself do or say

that I wish no longer existed in one person…

and if I try to make a list of things I like-I quickly find the negative side

It becomes a list of things I don’t like without me noticing

I don’t feel others understand

And I don’t feel like you do either

Sometimes you misunderstand me

And its on me to clarify things

But I don’t because I think - what does it matter?

Sometimes you make assumptions that are also incorrect

Sometimes I don’t correct those

Sometimes I let you or others think I’m dumb or confused

I often say “I don’t know” when I really just don’t want to tell you what i’m thinking

what does it really matter what I think, feel, or understand?

I’ve been doing it on my own for a long time

People are unreliable

Sometimes people don’t care

Sometimes they do help

But it’s easier to skip the step of finding out

If i just have to manage on my own in the end anyways

Healing happens with others…

but i’ve learned to be by myself

I do fine by myself

Lately, I wonder if this is something else broken about me

Is seeking and prefering solitude a problem?

Is it really about me not wanting it bad enough?

What would it mean to change it?

If I change my perspective about myself and life…

then it would mean

That I was worth forgiving all along

That I was worth loving all along

It wasn’t that fucking hard

So I refuse to see Her

To see Her face

To watch the weight of so much darkness slowly dim her light

The light of a child…. that maybe was never all that hard to love

I’d have to face all she lost or never had the chance to even have

Simply based on the randomness of life

It would mean that all i carry isnt because I deserved it

But because there were people in my life that had their own stuff that they couldn’t manage

I just happen to be in the line of fire when those dark fantasies poured out of them

So it has to be me that’s fucked up

thats damaged

and deserves it

because if I didn’t deserve it

then what unbelievably fucked up luck i’ve had

how unbelievably unfair

and my brain immediately rejects that

it wasn’t that bad

who are you to say poor me

to say what unfortunate circumstances i’ve had in my life

no-it makes more sense to deserve it

to be ugly and fucked up

I wasn’t worthy of anything different

and all those things damaged me more

so it makes sense more happened

each time he came back-it was because I was already dirty…

And I didn’t want it to be anyone else

I didn’t want him to take their light too…

the other hard thing about what it would mean is-

I don’t know what to do with this story then

So if i change this perspective

and let myself believe that the madness is over…

that the thing I was striving so fucking hard to create for myself…

actually, happened.

If I let myself believe that

I don’t know what my nervous system would do

What my mind would make of it?

If there is no more fighting, no more battles?

is it really over?

I was fighting for it but it wasn’t about achieving it

I didn’t think that was possible-

It was about surviving

so then would it mean I truly beat it?

And if I did, how do I explain all that was?

How do I tell the story of me with an ending that makes no sense?

I’m so fucking tired

And they’re all telling me to slow down

a part of me doesn’t know how to

how to begin

and another part-protests being told what to do

Or maybe people telling me there is hope

I fear what if for me there isn’t

and I try with dreams of this ending

but it becomes another discouraging wound

I’m the most mediocre person

there is nothing special about me- you’re right

There is nothing special about my experiences

there isn’t

I’m a very ordinary person

And I don’t know if the things that happened to me were that bad or if I’m just a bitch about it

I don’t know but I’m angry and bitter all the time

I couldn’t tell you what exactly about

Because it’s everything

it’s because I can’t make sense of what was

And changing my perspective means being angerier-rageful

I’m angry that i’m here, angry that I’m alive

Angry that I can’t get the blessing to leave

That I had no say in the choice to be here

and even before I took my first breath I was resented for my existence

I’m scared of the power that kinda rage has

But that’s the thing, if I really am this wounded

damaged

wouldn’t it take someone exceptional to overcome that

to beat the statistic

I’m just ordinary

The ending doesn’t line up

I don’t share many things

Not in detail

How cruel to make someone sit through it

The other reflection is about being liked

I do want to be liked

I would like to be liked as I am

And not in a-selfish kind of way of resisting accountability

I just want to be liked

without having all the things wrong with me or off be a project to fix

I already know

hence why I didn’t want to show you

but if I’m brave enough to show you

and I have to hear about how it hurts you…

How it makes you sad

it reinforces the idea that I think those things are awful too

And I watch how they bleed into others

I want to be liked

without having to protect you

I am so tired of being told, “i’m sad because you’re sad”

“it makes me sad that you’re sad”

“i don’t know what to tell you”

I feel their anxiety and pressure to “fix” this thing that I am

And it becomes very clear it’s not a part of me they like

so i go back to the 20%

I think this world is very dark

I think there is a lot of evil in it

and we all have some degree of evil

so the last thing I want to do

when I see light in others is dim it

I don’t want to dim it

I don’t want to take away what little light there might be in someone or this world