12/13/2025

You’ve been on my mind again…

We often discussed my lack of true connection with others

You’d highlight my ability to flex and adapt in any room I’m put in

But a person raised in survival sees the world differently

I’ve tried to conform and disown these traits

From the outside, my performance is due an Oscar

But on the inside I feel a disconnect

Just a collection of cheap bids for connection

I was learning to survive when other kids were learning to dream…

Their homes were safe havens- mine a battlefield

I was brought up on survival

Love was given in drops

Just enough to keep me from dying…

But also never enough to live…

I flip from acceptance to resistance about it

Both loving my independence and at times longing to just be like everyone else…

Seems it’d be easier to be like everyone else…

I’ve had a dream since I was a little girl

You know the dream…

You’ve told me it would never leave me

And I’d have to find a new way of relating to it

Lately, it feels more like a reality

I keep having these dreams…

Dreams I avoid writing down (you know the routine)

I wake up feeling disconnected from this life and myself

But it’s different

Like the trigger is from a force outside of me this time

No where in my mind or body

Feeling weak and powerless is something I cannot admit to…

Grief and rage bubble under the surface…

What difference does it make to be angry?

To feel the sadness shaking through my body?

The starting pistol has gone off

But I’m still lying at the starting point…