2/20/2023
Trigger- movie w/ rape scene
Response- crying/sad
Soothed when he rubbed my back. I’m falling asleep.
He wanted to kiss me and put his hand down my pants. I have a high drive though, normally. Our sex is always enjoyable and passionate. My mind is foggy but maybe it’d feel good. Maybe it’ll bring me back.
He stopped-I don’t know why….But he held me then I cried. I don’t know why. I felt sad and gross. Their hands remain marked all over this body.
Anxiety increased before bed. Breathing became shallow. My skin ached with the feel of the air around it. He held me in his lap. He’s trying and it’s nice.
He gets on top of me and spreads my legs. I don’t like it. He wants to love me. Love the pain away.
He kisses me and I move. He grabs my face to kiss some more. My lips are numb- no.
I say, “I don’t want to”.
He’s upset.
He gets off me and sits at the end of the bed.
Repeatedly asked if I want him to leave.
He's yelling
I want to be held….
I hate my mind.
It upsets me and him.
I beg, “please stop” but he won’t. He can’t see me right now. I’m alone.
I want to be held…
I’m alone again… I’m 7… Laying on the mat outside her door. Crying for her. Please come keep me safe from these monsters but she never comes. She never comes.
We try… I rock back and forth, “we can do this”.
I see their faces, I can taste their saliva, I can smell their skin, I can feel their hands. I can feel the pressure in my stomach… between my legs. No, no. I bang my head on the floor and with my hands. Please stop. Please. Please help me.
It’s too real. I hate this mind. I hate it. I hate me.
It consumes me.
My energy is drained. Another night outside her door on this mat…..
He apologizes. He kisses my forehead and holds me. How I love being held.
He admits he took it personally.
I know he loves me. I know it’s a lot. I’m a lot. If I could run away from my mind I would too. He can’t see me when darkness comes… He loses me.
How I long to be held… to be seen….
2/19/2023
Confusion, defined as:
1. lack of understanding; uncertainty.
2. the state of being bewildered or unclear in one's mind about something.
I’ve always been unclear about my own mind. What is real or fantasy? What is valid or embellished? I’ve desired clarity, understanding, and truth. Longed for it deeply but I only know how to function in spaces of bewilderment. It’s tormenting, but home.
I’ve sought out these needs and connections all my life but I’m not even sure I know what it’ll look like when they arrive.
I’ve always said I wasn’t scared of the monsters in the closet or under the bed but rather the monsters that roam in this world. I hadn’t realized until now that these monsters found a way into my mind. I am terrified of my own mind and it plagues every experience of my life.
The dragon always lied outside the safety of my cave. I knew of its power because once upon a time, it came for mine. I’ve since spent every ounce of energy into hiding, moving, running. If I stop, the dragon finds me and finishes what little I have left. I’m done- lost the fight.
The dragon robbed me of safety and trust. Not just in others or the world but in myself. I’m uncertain of what to trust in the chaos of my mind. What is safe to connect to? What choices are mine?
This cave is cold, it’s dark, and messy. I’ve been able to keep moving and building with the small fire I was able to salvage. I’m driven by things that almost work, it’s just enough to see.
I’m not alone in this cave… there is a monster in here. How could I have missed this one?
The fight has begun.
The dragon is here. He’s come for me.
Is it possible this ember is stronger than I believed it to be? That I’ve misused it?
All I have is this small fire. This spark.
I think, “there’s no fight here”. I’m small, powerless, and uncertain. I’m hollow, a void.
This dragon is massive, loud, and powerful.
I think, “Let him take what’s left”. If I try to fight, the pain of losing again is intolerable.
Please don’t take my ember away…
What would it mean to not be confused?
To be certain? To be powerful?
February 2020
It’s ridiculous that he thinks
The building still stands
Idiotic to think, the building you blew up
Could every possibly stand again
10/12/2019
The weight of the undeniable truth ripped me down the middle
This was my faith
I was forced to question my faith once again
September 2019
I’m constantly torn between wanting to to heal
and wanting to destroy myself
3/18/2019
There is nothing poetic about healing
You loose time
It isn’t linear
The mess is overwhelming
We like to divide our days into good and bad
Was today good or was it bad?
Was it productive or not?
Is it fixed? Probably not
But what about the days of variation in the middle…
Neither here nor there
Some days serve as merely a means to the next day
In those days there is no victory but there is also no loss
It is a bridge meant to get you through one more day
March 2019
“So, what’s next?” They’ll ask
“I heal, I grow, and I help others”
It’s hard to write down all my truths
I won’t read them again, but I don’t want anyone else to either
March 2019
Your hands sometimes scare me
Remember to always be gentle
The moment you aren’t or I believe you won’t be
Will be the end of it
I don’t often want to be touched
In my mind there will always be unwanted hands exploring