11/21/2017

Please just let me die. Being alive hurts too much.

11/19/2017

Time is moving slow

How could this have happened?

I’m having arguments in my head about how I should feel

I can’t do this again

11/14/2017

TJ

11/15/2017- confession of a kiss

11/20/2017- confrontation

9/16/2017

I want him to feel it. I want him to live in it like I have all these years.

I’m tired. I’m tired.

This fucking God that everyone talks about never came for me. He didn’t care whether I screamed for him. He watched it happen.

10:50am

Why does this feel so good?

The anxiety is silenced. The thoughts are quiet. Muddled.

I think I’m too broken to be anything anymore.

Who the fuck would love this?

9/16/2017

Independence day, 10am

I let the fluid numb me again.

I have this dream…

I drive the 7 hours to him

Meet him in the hills and call him on his shit

He gets to feel scared and violated. It’s his turn

I get to ask him why?

I pull my Glock, point it as his head. I empty it.

9/15/2017

The feeling of wanting to give up comes back.

Why keep trying? It’s so much easier to not give a shit.

9/11/2017

Anxiety comes. Same thoughts. I’m frustrated.

It’s the same, every day!

I’m tired of this feeling. So pissed. I want to throw it away. I drink.

9/4/2017

(Dream)

I’m under the influence of alcohol working the unit.

Coworker forces himself on me. Kissing me and I push.

I say no. He keeps going. I blackout. Wake up unsure of what happened.

I feel violated.

9/2/2017

(Dream)

I was somewhere with family.

I’m holding a small baby. Maybe 6 months. She’s dark and has a lot of dark curly hair.

My family takes turns holding her.

I feel protective, anxious, and I watch her.

She comes back to me.

Is she mine? Who is she?

I play with her. She’s very happy and adorable.

Then he comes

He takes her from me.

I wake wondering if the girl is mine, or is she me?

8/30/2017

He’s pure and I want to protect that.

8/28/2017

He was talking about his mom. Seems like a good mom. As he is talking about her, I think of mine. I feel my eyes tear up but I don’t cry. He’s lucky. I feel it. The part of me that’s still waiting for mommy to show up. The hurt is still very much apart of me, but at the same time disconnected.

I want the pain to stop.

7/29/2017

He told me he could hear me grind my teeth and see me frown all night long.

I feel naked.

7/29/2017

Somedays,

I feel everything at once

Other days,

I feel nothing at all

I don’t know what’s worse

Drowning beneath the waves or dying from thirst

7/25/2017

There are feelings in me that don’t even have a name yet

7/17/2017

(Dream)

I feel angry.

My dream involved me being angry. My older brother was killed and I remember the overwhelming feeling. SO much anger.

7/13/2017

(Dream)

It was about him. I was in my room but the set up was different. I had my bed that way years ago. He was on top of me. I disappeared in my head. Out of my body and I was overcome with shame for giving up. Giving up on the life I wanted. I feel nothing but I’m crying. He’s yelling at me. I awake.

My skin is flaring up.

7/8/2017

Horses really do something. My mind is finally quiet and still. I am one with my partner. Free.

The tears always come down when it’s safe to.

7/8/2017

You know when you’re in a car and it’s pouring rain. You go under a bridge and everything stops?

Everything goes silent, peaceful. Then you finally get out from under the bridge and everything hits you a little harder than before?

7/8/2017

It was an attempt to distract myself. My nightmares have been so bad. I get maybe 3 hours of broken sleep a night. I’m a mess. I hate myself. The crying never seems to stop. I make a mess of it all the time because I hate the messy parts of myself. I’m tired of this feeling. I rather not feel. There’s something in my chest. I can’t breathe. I can’t calm it.

7/7/2017

I feel it happening again. The numb feeling is starting.

There is an ocean of silence between us… and I’m drowning in it.