10/16/2025
Queen (noun):a female ruler or a woman of high rank, but it also symbolizes power, wisdom, and accomplishment.
You told me once I had “Queen energy”
I laughed at the time- not understanding your intent with this statement
I specifically laughed at this comment because of your explanation
You said I had a commanding presence
That people reacted to my “soul”, my energy
Even if they weren’t conscious of it…
They sought out my wisdom and knowledge
Were curious of my pursuits and accomplishments
But the funniest statement to me was when you said-
“When you speak, people will listen and move mountains for you”
“People believe and connect with your message”
You believed my voice had power
That it could move people and caused change
And at that time in my life I was confronted with the reality that my voice truly didn’t matter
In that moment it felt… invalidating
You revealed your own interest and investment in this “queen” power
But I felt nothing like a queen…
The imagery that played over and over in my head..
Was of this girl in oversized clothes
Torn up, dirty
Discarded as garbage long before she could speak
And here you were…calling her a queen…
It felt like you didn’t see me…
But it never upset me
I’m use to being unseen
It felt like confirmation of this belief
There are many occasions of this
Of your words over the years…that continue to linger or surface
Lately, the word QUEEN continues to come to mind
I think of the fish bowl analogy you gave me…
…I think I see it
And it scares me…
The power
The influence
I hadn’t considered it before
But it’s always been there
I could never explain it
Why would people care for my opinion?
Why would I be the first person on speed dial?
Why was I always associated with safety?
I summed it up to being someone who’d show up for the fight
I can own that-I’ll be the first to pull my hair up and take my earrings down for someone I love
But that’s not what you meant…was it?
That’s not why they call me… is it?
So much of my life has been about “lack of power”
“Lack of control”
“Lack of safety...”
Yet, somehow…. in some way, I have influence
How can that be?
What the fuck do I know?
I always tell them
Don’t listen to me…
Don’t trust me…
Don’t do as I say…
And yet they do,…
Then they come back to ask for more
They put me on this pedestal
I see it, I feel it
Like I’m some guide full of wisdom
And I don’t know how to explain that what they see is a wounded little girl
Just trying to survive…
I hate myself
And I’m scared….
I’ll make them like me…
I have always wanted better for others
I have desired safety for them…
I have pushed people I loved and care for to be better than me
But I’m beginning to question…
Maybe my phone keeps ringing because they see something I can’t
Something you saw in me
